I have always been big my entire life. I use to have to wear size 18 clothes when I was 16. I always knew I was a different size and being bullied for it really got to me. When I left school and came to University, I felt a change in my attitude towards myself. I wasn’t calling myself fat anymore, I was calling myself plus-sized and that’s how it’s stayed for nearly two years now.
Being the big girl at school brought me unwanted name-calling and bullying. It got to me a lot and I would normally cry to my parents or my sister. I didn’t feel normal, I felt like I was the odd one out, the one who wasn’t meant to be the thinnest or prettiest but inside I felt I could be happy with myself if others weren’t happy with what they saw on the outside.
Going through year 7-11 was really hard as certain people made me go on diets and weighed me. It was horrible seeing those numbers put up on the chart on the fridge like it was some kind of a reward. I was told I couldn’t wear nice clothes because I was too big. It is one reason as to why I became so depressed. I would be put down because of my size. I realised when I left home that I didn’t have to be subjected like that again, I didn’t have to have my weight studied. I began to heal inside because the bullying at school and the people who told me I was too big to wear anything nice stopped. I could finally be myself and starting Uni meant I could be better with myself.
There was one time where I felt confident with my body and I posted a long status on Facebook about it and although I looked alright on the outside and people had seen the way I felt about myself and understood, inside I still didn’t feel like I accepted myself for the way I was.
Before I left, we had the leavers ball for my year and that night, I felt really pretty for once in about 5 years. I felt I could be myself even if I was still what I perceived as “fat”. I also went on a night out with two of my school friends the day before I left home and again, I felt beautiful. As you can see in the photos, I wasn’t the thinnest but I finally felt beautiful after so many years of being put down and scrutinized for the way I looked.
So how did it all change? I left home, I came to Uni and I started to go out and with that, I felt something in me change. I was on my own at Uni with the people I just moved in with. They didn’t know me much and they didn’t know the life I had led for so many years. I became confident with my body and stopped calling myself “fat” and started with plus-size. I love being plus-sized and I knew I needed to continue to call myself that to be able to erase the word fat from my vocabulary.
I felt so much better being in Uni and feeling like I was finally accepting myself for who I was. I had a great group of friends that supported me and loved me the way I am and when I found Jack, I had an even bigger fan.
I remember going to Primark one day as I wanted something new to wear out to a night out and I found the perfect thing. There were curves and bulges but I really didn’t care, I felt pretty and like myself. I had just bought jeans as well, I hadn’t worn jeans for around 3-4 years and finally, I felt comfortable in something else than leggings.
Even though I felt sassy and beautiful in the photo above, I didn’t feel myself until I could go out with a bit of skin showing. I had bought these two sports bras from Primark and although they were intended for the gym, I wore them for other occasions. I remember wearing the sports bra, jeans and a cardigan when I went out one night and I ended up with my best friend and me alone on the dancefloor drunk just having fun. I realised then I didn’t really care what other people think but I felt alive and I felt pretty.
I may not be perfect to you but to myself, I feel it. I may have curves and bulges in places you don’t but if I am happy with myself then you don’t need to worry. I finally feel I am able to finally be happy with the way I am and although I am still on that journey on acceptance, I think I am nearly there.
If you feel like you can’t accept yourself, change the words people associate you with and try and heal.
I hope today’s post made sense and I hope my journey of acceptance helps other people realise that we are all beautiful in our own way no matter what we look like.
Till Next Time