As you may tell from the title, today is a serious post because it is exactly one year today since I last self-harmed. As always with these kinds of posts, there is a trigger warning around suicide and self-harm.
I want this post to show people that life can carry on and explain my journey from December 2016 to today and how it can get better.
I don’t even know where to start with this post. January 2017 was rough for me and I can’t fully begin to think back to it because it just brings back the feelings of guilt. I broke up with the guy I really liked on NYE and he doesn’t read this so I will tell you the reason why. My head was messed up, I had a pretty awful time before I came back home with a guy. I mean literally, after you know, the bedroom stuff, he made a comment about my weight. It tore me up so much and so going into the start of 2017, I wasn’t in a good place.
I even drank so much that I couldn’t stomach food the next day. I had a bad problem with drinking. I used it as a solution to get away from the problems around me. I am not saying I was an alcoholic because I definitely drink all day every day but I had a problem with drinking because I had problems.
I was in such a bad place that I slept around and honestly, I treated myself like shit. I was the problem, I was the reason the guy made a comment about my weight. I was the reason I drank so much I couldn’t stand up properly.
I then decided it was time to pick myself up and get back to a state of mind where I was happy. I started eating healthy and I went to the gym. This lasted two weeks. From January-April 2017, I went out and got drunk 3 nights a week. It was such a rough time because I didn’t want to face my problems.
In January 2017, I tried to commit suicide twice and self-harmed a couple more times than that. I wasn’t myself, I was someone who had gone through a really rough time and wanted to end it all. The first time I knew I had gone too far self-harming and called my friends and they took me to A&E. In January alone, I probably had been to the hospital or someone called out to me around 5 times. I really wasn’t well.
So a year ago was the last time I self-harmed and I kind of remember the night, I just wanted to hurt myself and punish myself for being who I was and what I looked like.
You might be wondering I just told you all this? I don’t want to keep secrets and writing this has helped me see that I did have a drinking problem. Jack even said to me he thought I was nearly an alcoholic when he first met me in April.
So at 3am on 24th January 2017, after I had self-harmed and my friends ripping me a new one for doing it, I set up a Streak on my countdown app and the days free of self-harming began. I must say it was hard, to begin with, especially before I met Jack but I did have all my friends and I still do.
I couldn’t have done it without my friends, they pushed me to be better and get help. They took me to the hospital, stayed up with me, helped me get back to who I was before Christmas.
A year on, I look back and I can’t believe how much I have changed. I think March was a blur of Uni and food really, it was my Mum’s birthday so I reflected on that as well. I met Jack on the 10th of April and from then on, I knew I would be okay. 9 months later, we are still happy and I am so thankful to him for loving me the way I am and I couldn’t ask for someone better to spend my life with.
Mentally, I was okay but I wasn’t the best. I didn’t really go out but it is such a nice change to going out. I really do like staying in and writing or watching a film with Jack. I did go on tablets in December but haven’t really wanted to pick up my next prescription for some reason. I want to but I am holding myself back. It is probably cause I was only on them a month but I just didn’t feel much.
As of today, I am feeling great. I even think I am going to go back to the gym to get that summer bod for Barcelona in July. It’s crazy to think that my life could have ended a year ago and I would have all of these amazing things including Jack and you guys. I never thought people who have any interest in reading what I write about but I couldn’t be happier with the people I have met along the way.
It shows that it can get better but patience is key. If you get help, it could be beneficial in some small way but you have to want to get help. Take it from me, just hold on because you never know what or who could be waiting around that corner to change your life.
As you may know from my Twitter, I am doing a series called ‘My Mental Health’ in March and the reason I wanted to do this series is because of today, the one year mark. I want to bring more light onto Mental Health and help people get their stories out. If you do want to Apply to take part, you can do here.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I am sorry it is so long but I wanted to let you in and tell you that it will be okay.