As I sit and write this, I can’t but help but want to pour my feelings onto the page but that would become a mess so I am going to try and phrase it in a way you can understand.
There is not a day that goes by and I wonder what life would be like if I had grown up different or if my depression consumed me. I felt lost for so long and even today, I still feel lost. I don’t know why as I have everything I need and want but there are days where I just can’t seem to wrap my head around reality.
It may be because I still haven’t dealt with the death of my mother properly even after nearly 4 years, it may be because I left at home at 10 and didn’t see my family much. It may be because even though I tried to take myself out of this world, I still walk the earth and breath fresh air into my damaged lungs.
There is so much I want to do with my life. I want to make an impact or change someone’s life just from doing something little that they may not know about. I want those who are in the position I have been to have someone there for them because I didn’t have many people to turn to.
I just wish I didn’t have to fit society’s expectations to fit. I don’t and that is what makes me. Why does society define who we are? Why do we have to look like a model to be able to fit in?
WE DON’T. To the one who defined the “perfect” person, you don’t understand that no one is perfect because you’re too busy photoshopping stretch marks out of an already beautiful photo. We are all unique and different but you and society don’t seem to recognise that. We all have imperfections even if not visible. Do you know the image you are portraying for the generations below mine? Do you even care that younger children are starving themselves because they want to be that “perfect” image of a person?
Why does the media continue to do this knowing that people are doing awful things to their body just to be skinny or to be prettier? Everyone is bloody beautiful even if they have a physical or mental health condition.
I have been bullied all my life for being overweight but at times, I still feel beautiful. I don’t want to be perfect because who would I be? Within myself, I wouldn’t feel like a role model. If society and the media cared one bit, this wouldn’t be going on. That is why I feel so lost! I have been told to lose weight to be “normal” all my life and as I approach 20, I feel like the whole time I have been wanting to be this perfect person when all I wanted is to be myself.
I feel lost in this world of iPhones and texting. I see young children holding new iPhones because they want to be connected to the world as much as we are. Why do we have to be? I admit I use social media a lot and I am not to talk but I wish it could be different nowadays.
I know this is just a lot of thoughts poured into one post but it has been such a weird year. There has been so much going on in the world and I can’t help but be worried about the future and what it holds.
I know this all may not make sense so I apologise and thank you for listening to me rant about a lot of things. I hope everyone is well and looking forward to December and for those of you doing Blogmas, you’ve already crushed it by planning it. I’m proud of you! I didn’t know I was gonna do it this year but I have tested myself and I am happy with what I have done for this year!
Till Next Time!