On the 8th of December this year, it will have been 4 years since we lost you. I am writing this now because I am missing you so much this year, especially now and although the date is far away, I wanted you to have your own post and for it not to get lost in the December posts. I know I have written each year about you on my Facebook but I thought it was time to do a proper post on you because you are so so special.
I look back on the photos from before I was born and to the last day I saw you and you were still as beautiful. I guess I got my looks from you. My earliest memories of you are what keep me going in times when I think I cannot go on. The times where Emma, you and I would sit and watch television together or the times where I would catch you and Emma talking while you fell asleep. The times where you and dad were a fairytale couple to me. I look back on the video of me eating bubbles with you and honestly mum, I don’t really like the taste of bubbles anymore so I hope that makes you smile.
Obviously, there were bad times within the time I lived with you but the good outweighs the bad because you were so kind and pure. You wouldn’t hurt a fly but when you got angry, you got angry. I know I wasn’t the best kid when I lived with you but when I left home, I tried to be better for you. I wanted to make you proud and when you died, I tried even harder.
I have so much to tell you, what I have done and achieved in the 4 years you have been gone. I got my GCSE’s and that is probably my second biggest achievement as I lost you the December before and I didn’t think I could do them and pass them but I did. For you. I got my A-Levels and I got into my first choice University. That’s my biggest achievement so far. I remember telling you I wanted to be a nurse then a doctor then a princess and finally a singer. I wanted to be everything and anything just for you to smile at me.
At this very moment, I just started my second year at Uni, I have my own blog and joint blog with the most amazing girls, I have so many amazing friends and a boyfriend who I adore. You would have loved him, mum, he loves Vinyl, just like you. I currently work for Amazon as a brand ambassador and I have a writing job as well. When you died, I didn’t think I would make my 18th birthday because of my depression but you were the thing always on my mind when I felt low. I’m putting myself out there to make you proud and if I ever see you again at any time, I hope I can just hug you and tell you how much I miss you.
I had a dream about you the other day and I don’t know whether that is you telling me something but it reminded me that although you may be gone from this world, you are always looking down on me, Emma and Dad. I know all of your family are up there with you and I hope, I really hope you are with them so you’re not lonely.
Thank you for always seeing the best in me, for always looking out for me even if it was small things, for always feeding me and keeping me warm, for making me laugh when I cried but most of all, thank you for being my best friend.
It has been hard without you for the last 4 years and I am getting stronger each day. My depression hasn’t beat me yet. I’m nearly 250 days free of self-harm and my anxiety is getting better each day. You’re still with me, in my heart and in my soul and you will forever be.
I love you mum, and I miss you.